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Apr. 8th, 2008 | 12:30 am
what does it mean to "suck it up and move on"? i think i will always be in this torn state of wanting to love my dad and to remember him, but at the same time wanting to get on with life. i'm not sure if you can do either successfully, are they mutually exclusive, will there always be tension between these desires
i turned twenty-one last week: i guess that is as good a reason as any for some self-reflection. the brutal and honest truth is that i am not at all happy with myself. i am ambitious, driven, hard-working, but all for the wrong things. i want status, recognition, power. i have a horrible relationship with my mother (perhaps because we are too alike), which recently culminated in her telling me to move out. i have an almost non-existent, once-a-month-email relationship with my brother joshua in new zealand, and an okay but rocky one with daniel. i have some good friends who mean a lot to me, but at the end of the day i am hopelessly self-centered with a distinct propensity to feel sorry for myself. i am torn because i have no clue what i want to do with life, or want out of it. i spend a lot of time feeling that life is purposeless and futile - look at my dad, he took the high road, lived the Good Christian Life and see where that got him. you would think that God would at least take care of him for giving up EVERYTHING (and i really do mean everything: riches, status, power, a top-notch job) rather than give him up to prolonged sickness, pain and death. i am a lousy, lousy, lousy christian who is too cynical for her own good, too judgmental, too quick to find fault and has no qualms about criticizing people (necessarily or otherwise). i am good at pretending all of the above do not exist, or bother me. i am never content and always striving for Something More. i am angry at too many things to name, carry too many burdens from the past, hold too many grudges. i would like to be one of those Happy People who are Okay With Life, who are balanced and have perspective. i would like to be someone who cares deeply about others, who is okay with failure, who is understanding, who is excited about life and its possibilities.
but i am pessemistic and suspect that i will always be dissatisfied with life and unhappy with myself
i turned twenty-one last week: i guess that is as good a reason as any for some self-reflection. the brutal and honest truth is that i am not at all happy with myself. i am ambitious, driven, hard-working, but all for the wrong things. i want status, recognition, power. i have a horrible relationship with my mother (perhaps because we are too alike), which recently culminated in her telling me to move out. i have an almost non-existent, once-a-month-email relationship with my brother joshua in new zealand, and an okay but rocky one with daniel. i have some good friends who mean a lot to me, but at the end of the day i am hopelessly self-centered with a distinct propensity to feel sorry for myself. i am torn because i have no clue what i want to do with life, or want out of it. i spend a lot of time feeling that life is purposeless and futile - look at my dad, he took the high road, lived the Good Christian Life and see where that got him. you would think that God would at least take care of him for giving up EVERYTHING (and i really do mean everything: riches, status, power, a top-notch job) rather than give him up to prolonged sickness, pain and death. i am a lousy, lousy, lousy christian who is too cynical for her own good, too judgmental, too quick to find fault and has no qualms about criticizing people (necessarily or otherwise). i am good at pretending all of the above do not exist, or bother me. i am never content and always striving for Something More. i am angry at too many things to name, carry too many burdens from the past, hold too many grudges. i would like to be one of those Happy People who are Okay With Life, who are balanced and have perspective. i would like to be someone who cares deeply about others, who is okay with failure, who is understanding, who is excited about life and its possibilities.
but i am pessemistic and suspect that i will always be dissatisfied with life and unhappy with myself